Me and the “Kukiemonster”

The first time I saw the Kukiemonster was when she just got out of the nursery. She was wrapped in a tiny bundle of sheets. They showed her around and everyone was so excited and happy to see her at last until they showed the kukiemonster to me. I took one look at her and I knew I found my match. I cried hard and turned away with no apparent reason as to why I was crying. I even have a picture of that moment in 1984. Probably a foretaste of what was to come? I sure was going to find out.

Through the course of my life, I grew up with the kukiemonster. We were so different in many ways. She was the outgoing always-in-the-discussion type. I was the shy rather-stay-in-my-room type. Everybody wanted to be around her because she was a good entertainer. She would make everyone smile and stun them with her piano skills, everyone except me. For me, the kukiemonster back then lived up to every single letter of her nickname. She was even the one who came up with the idea to put the word “monster” after her name which is Kukie.  We didn’t get along very well when we were kids. We would fight over the most trivial of things and sometimes it would get physical, bruises here and there and the occasional pinch marks on me of course. We could fight over who gets to hold the remote control, what games to play on the video game console, who had the bigger slice of cake, and the list goes on. My parents were starting to get fed with all this bickering and arguments. When my dad would get angry at us and talk to us I would start crying and I would look at her but the kukiemonster still had her chin up to the sky. Not a single drop of tear. And mom would then tell me just to leave her alone because I was older and I should be more understanding. I resented that but I could not do anything. The kukiemonster had her way at times. I thought back then that she was probably enjoying tormenting me or was it us tormenting each other. I was too young to understand.

But even with all that, as if that was not enough, the kukiemonster is very talented and intelligent. She plays the piano and the guitar like a master and she could sing very well at the same time. She has a very lovely alto voice or something like that. My cousin once said she sounds like the recording artist Tori Amos. She could compose her own songs and she even recoded one of her songs on CD for my mom. She has a singing group and they sing in our city as well as the provinces around. She was also in the acoustic band and they had gigs in bars and they were featured in articles on the local newspaper a few times. She also did landscape painting like she had formal training even though she never had any. And she was at the top of her class since the very first time she stepped foot inside a classroom. She was popular and very beautiful too. Everyone wanted to be her friend, everyone except me. I would be lying if i would say that was not even a bit jealous of everything she has and the attention she was getting.

As time passed, I got used to living with he kukiemonster. When we were in high school how we treated each other changed. We hung out more often, we listened to the same music and watched movies together. She even tried to teach me to play the guitar but sadly I never really got the hang of it. At one point in time we even shared the same group of friends and on summer we would go camping together but we were never in the same tent. Admitting that I was starting to like her back then was out of the question. After all how could i forget all those years? We still had our fights from time to time but much lesser than when we were kids.

When we were in college we started seeing much less of each other although we both still stayed in the same house. I was busy with school, basketball and friends and so was she. We fought less but hang out less too. Probably I was too busy to notice that I was seeing less of the kukiemonster. Then she changed schools, she transferred to the city and lived with my uncle. I would only get to see her once a month when we would visit her. Weirdly I started missing the Kukiemonster. There was no screaming and fighting in the house but as the same time there was also no sound of her voice which I was used to hearing.

After I graduated, we moved to the city to be with her and start anew. I still didn’t get to hang out with her often, probably its because I couldn’t fit in with her new group of friends. She was a bit different now she was busy as ever with school, her band and her boyfriend.

Fast forward 2 years later I moved to Bangkok, Thailand to work. I haven’t seen the Kukiemonster in a long time. I only get to hear her voice when I call. I don't hear her sing anymore, I miss the Kukiemonster without the weird feeling I used to get. Now that I’m so far I wish I could see her every day and talk to her just like old times.

I have my own life to myself, something that I have wanted all my life but I feel something’s missing. Now as I reminisce about the past I wish I hugged her more and screamed at her less Now I could see that it was not only her that started the fights, there were many occasions were I was the one who started it. I probably was just looking for someone to blame and blamed it on her. I guess my parents were right. I should have been more understanding . Back then me hugging the kukiemonster was unthinkable. Just the thought of it would send shivers down my spine. Now I wish I did other wise, I regret not being the best of myself when we were still together. I love the kukiemonster despite everything that has happened in the past.

She probably doesn't even know that I care for her. Every time she would get hurt I would get hurt too. But I’m a thousand miles away from her now. She is facing an uncertain future right now with things that have happened recently and the situation she is in. She is going to have a baby soon and it looks like for the moment that she will have to raise the baby on her own. It’s not going to be easy but I know she’s going to be all right. I believe in her and her capabilities, this is one thing she is going to pass with flying colors.

It’s not too late. I know I have wasted so may years trying to figure out how I could get back at her that I have not thought about how we could become closer. But we still have a lifetime ahead of us and that gives me the peace of mind that everything will be right in time. I care for my kukiemonster, she’s the only one I got. Even though we are miles apart there will always be that bond that connects the kukiemonster and me. After all the kukiemonster is no only my friend, she is my sister.

(February 2007)

Kailee's first blog ever

Kailee surprised me one night by sending this message via messenger. It really made me speechless to realize that at her 11 years she could put her thoughts together and express them in almost impeccable grammar. Her introspection was also a surprise, and her apparent spiritual attitude made me feel blessed. To cap it, she gave it as a tribute to my own blogging attempts, like she was following in my footsteps. This is what she wrote on March 14, 2019:

("I made this as my first blog lolo. Trying to follow your footsteps.")

"I'm bored. Really bored.

What do I do when I am bored?

I used to read, or probably sketch a bit on my papers. Eh, you know I'm using past tense. Yeah, that was before. When I was still the small girl I was, not knowing much. Now I probably will draw on my tab, or text friends, and other digital related stuff. Mostly the chatting is important but there are times when I just wasted life even if it was a few seconds. At least I'm a bit better than I was before, I hope. When I arrived here in Davao, I was pretty still okay with less to no interaction with my phone. That was the only gadget I would use, and so I drew more than I looked at my phone. In Thailand I was very strict with my phone because I knew that I should only use it in the weekends, so it wouldn't distract me from school. I was a really good girl. Until, I found out something. I could listen to any song I liked or anyone singing with earphones. So soon enough, I started listening and not doing anything productive anymore. I started listening to music while I did homework, even though it would make me less focused. I just couldn't be in the house without music. I wouldn't talk to anyone the whole day and just sit, crouched at the desk, listening to animation meme songs. At one point I didn't even do my homework properly and I snapped one day.

It was 3 already, and I had realized that I planned to do my vocabulary way before. I was listening to music and didn't even realized time passed too quickly. My mom scolded me and kept my tab for a week, while only giving me my phone for communication purposes. That was what my phone was supposed to be used for, not endlessly listening music, but communicating with other people. I also scolded myself. Inside. And outside. I literally screamed when I realized it was already 3:15 and I didn't finished my last homework. I procrastinated because it was the last and that I could do it anytime. Not.

I started to slowly stop using the gadget. Well, I stopped being anxious about my gadgets when they were taken away from me.

There was this one day, I had no gadget at all. Nothing. Miraculously, I drew and drew and read and also went out to the rabbits. That going out to the rabbits continually was enough. I usually never even look at them unless it was to feed them or what, because of videos.

Then, I decided whenever anyone would call me, I would just leave the tab alone and go. I also started reading my devotionals more. And spent time with my Lala praying in the morning. And interacted with people more throughout the day. It was glorious, but I still need to improve on reading books and drawing traditionally, although I do prefer that to digital sometimes. I also tried to focus more on homework. I think God intended this to happen.

My earphones, after one end being cut off by a youngster, started not working. I tried another one until it also stopped working. I think the other one stopped because I accidentally dropped some water on one of the heads. And then soon enough, music wasn't needed anymore. I didn't need to listen to it everyday while doing my homework. I think the music disappeared altogether when the earphones just stopped. 

And now, I don't need that distraction anymore. I did drawings. Digital, I can confess, but its more productive than just doing nothing, listening to music. Drawing and drawing more helped me improve, along with friends who gave me good advice and complimented me on my new drawings. I also write, like what I am doing now, which is good, since I have many projects in mind and I want them to become real not only in my drawings but in writing. I can write poems too, some that are very deep while others are light and funny. I am also being taught by a friend to song-write, and I hope soon enough I can sing an original song of mine to my family. I thank God for giving me friends in Davao who care, for a family who scolds me for what is right, but still love me and take me on adventures anywhere. For two pets who make me come out into the fresh air everyday, for my talents that keep me busy whenever I am bored, and for childhood friends who kept my childhood happy and memorable.

For Jesus who died for all of us."

Here's a couple of her digital creations:

That's the blogger, ready to fly high with her talents:

Here's another one written on April 27, 2020

So, I originally wasn't going to talk about corona. But since I wrote a personal essay on it, but I decided I'd just talk about it, since I feel like doing so.

Covid-19 has been getting out of hand lately. A lot of things changed, and it was hard getting adjusted to the fact of not seeing much of my friends. Schoolwork is much harder to manage, since we usually score by ourselves with scoring textbooks but now have to score with the teachers through video chat. Not to mention tests. And technical difficulties with Internet and stuff. It's been hard to even adjust to the boredom and not being able to go out.

Everyone is totally scared of Covid, everyone is having a hard time and everyone is afraid, right?

Uhm, I'm not so scared. Whenever Covid is mentioned, all I think about are the people suffering, and I feel very sorry for them. But there's never been any fear. I never felt fear even when times started to change and many difficulties came our way. It's pretty weird, isn't it? Well, I know there's been things like this before, and what I know is that we will get through this hard time.

Not only that, it's God. He helped us a lot lately, with all our expenses we found ways to be able to still have food and shelter. He's been taking care of us ever since it started, and I have not felt really scared of Covid anymore.

Every bad day, every horrible time or change comes to an end. Everything does. It feels like an eternity staying inside for so long, but it'll end eventually. Even with the consequences later on, they'll still end. Covid might be scary, but it isn't immortal, and people are working to find a cure. One day, we'll be able to hug each other again. And people have still recovered, not everyone who succumbs to the disease dies. We still have hope. We're still alive. And we will get through this, with our awesome God, together.

I have this little poem I wrote in school, a long time before this all happened, that I'll share.

"A change, big or small,

Can affect you greatly, or not at all.

Whatever change comes your way,

Always remember to be thankful and pray!"

Covid is not so scary at all, with God with us.