The first time I saw the Kukiemonster was when she just got out of the nursery. She was wrapped in a tiny bundle of sheets. They showed her around and everyone was so excited and happy to see her at last until they showed the kukiemonster to me. I took one look at her and I knew I found my match. I cried hard and turned away with no apparent reason as to why I was crying. I even have a picture of that moment in 1984. Probably a foretaste of what was to come? I sure was going to find out.
Through the course of my life, I grew up with the kukiemonster. We were so different in many ways. She was the outgoing always-in-the-discussion type. I was the shy rather-stay-in-my-room type. Everybody wanted to be around her because she was a good entertainer. She would make everyone smile and stun them with her piano skills, everyone except me. For me, the kukiemonster back then lived up to every single letter of her nickname. She was even the one who came up with the idea to put the word “monster” after her name which is Kukie. We didn’t get along very well when we were kids. We would fight over the most trivial of things and sometimes it would get physical, bruises here and there and the occasional pinch marks on me of course. We could fight over who gets to hold the remote control, what games to play on the video game console, who had the bigger slice of cake, and the list goes on. My parents were starting to get fed with all this bickering and arguments. When my dad would get angry at us and talk to us I would start crying and I would look at her but the kukiemonster still had her chin up to the sky. Not a single drop of tear. And mom would then tell me just to leave her alone because I was older and I should be more understanding. I resented that but I could not do anything. The kukiemonster had her way at times. I thought back then that she was probably enjoying tormenting me or was it us tormenting each other. I was too young to understand.
But even with all that, as if that was not enough, the kukiemonster is very talented and intelligent. She plays the piano and the guitar like a master and she could sing very well at the same time. She has a very lovely alto voice or something like that. My cousin once said she sounds like the recording artist Tori Amos. She could compose her own songs and she even recoded one of her songs on CD for my mom. She has a singing group and they sing in our city as well as the provinces around. She was also in the acoustic band and they had gigs in bars and they were featured in articles on the local newspaper a few times. She also did landscape painting like she had formal training even though she never had any. And she was at the top of her class since the very first time she stepped foot inside a classroom. She was popular and very beautiful too. Everyone wanted to be her friend, everyone except me. I would be lying if i would say that was not even a bit jealous of everything she has and the attention she was getting.
As time passed, I got used to living with he kukiemonster. When we were in high school how we treated each other changed. We hung out more often, we listened to the same music and watched movies together. She even tried to teach me to play the guitar but sadly I never really got the hang of it. At one point in time we even shared the same group of friends and on summer we would go camping together but we were never in the same tent. Admitting that I was starting to like her back then was out of the question. After all how could i forget all those years? We still had our fights from time to time but much lesser than when we were kids.
When we were in college we started seeing much less of each other although we both still stayed in the same house. I was busy with school, basketball and friends and so was she. We fought less but hang out less too. Probably I was too busy to notice that I was seeing less of the kukiemonster. Then she changed schools, she transferred to the city and lived with my uncle. I would only get to see her once a month when we would visit her. Weirdly I started missing the Kukiemonster. There was no screaming and fighting in the house but as the same time there was also no sound of her voice which I was used to hearing.
After I graduated, we moved to the city to be with her and start anew. I still didn’t get to hang out with her often, probably its because I couldn’t fit in with her new group of friends. She was a bit different now she was busy as ever with school, her band and her boyfriend.
Fast forward 2 years later I moved to Bangkok, Thailand to work. I haven’t seen the Kukiemonster in a long time. I only get to hear her voice when I call. I don't hear her sing anymore, I miss the Kukiemonster without the weird feeling I used to get. Now that I’m so far I wish I could see her every day and talk to her just like old times.
I have my own life to myself, something that I have wanted all my life but I feel something’s missing. Now as I reminisce about the past I wish I hugged her more and screamed at her less Now I could see that it was not only her that started the fights, there were many occasions were I was the one who started it. I probably was just looking for someone to blame and blamed it on her. I guess my parents were right. I should have been more understanding . Back then me hugging the kukiemonster was unthinkable. Just the thought of it would send shivers down my spine. Now I wish I did other wise, I regret not being the best of myself when we were still together. I love the kukiemonster despite everything that has happened in the past.
She probably doesn't even know that I care for her. Every time she would get hurt I would get hurt too. But I’m a thousand miles away from her now. She is facing an uncertain future right now with things that have happened recently and the situation she is in. She is going to have a baby soon and it looks like for the moment that she will have to raise the baby on her own. It’s not going to be easy but I know she’s going to be all right. I believe in her and her capabilities, this is one thing she is going to pass with flying colors.
It’s not too late. I know I have wasted so may years trying to figure out how I could get back at her that I have not thought about how we could become closer. But we still have a lifetime ahead of us and that gives me the peace of mind that everything will be right in time. I care for my kukiemonster, she’s the only one I got. Even though we are miles apart there will always be that bond that connects the kukiemonster and me. After all the kukiemonster is no only my friend, she is my sister.
(February 2007)
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