jaypea's poems - 41 (copy-paste from his blog at multiply before the site is deleted)

faded light

Jan 28, '09 8:24 PM

the road is high and long,
every step heavier
than the beginning.
when do we know
when it's time to let go?


all the dreams you know
of a kingdom
you will never be ruling.
will you douse the fire
in your soul?


hope is never lost
but reality is what
keeps the heart beating.
there's a faded light
in us all.

lay to rest

Jan 21, '09 2:46 AM

with my heartbeat racing
priority fading
a gold mine never seemed enough
and at night i sit alone
at the edge of my bed.

with all my blind chasing
got me jaded and ailing
slowing down is always tough
when you got a heavy heart
pushing on your legs

now i know why you've fallen,
fell without me calling
straight from heaven, its amazing
how you could look in my eyes
and  make my worries end

do you know that you changed me?
forever a mystery
i've come to a point where i could see
that in your hand
is where i lay my heart to rest.

prism

Jan 12, '09 10:12 AM

ran out of reasons
why i should stall
and all of life's lessons
i erased from the wall

i took a picture
of myself
looked like nature
has left me on a shelf

but your eyes, they still glisten..

when the dark
was clouding my mind
you told me to look
deep inside

told me i'd find
love that never dies
i see through your eyes
a different light

in my life, you are the prism..

so many roads left

Jan 7, '09 5:53 AM

worried why the road keeps turning
turning on to dead ends
hurry up and sip your coffee
that cup of illusion in your hand

never seems like you're moving
always back to where you started
seems like you're always hanging
hanging by a single thread

when you have been always wanting
something you cant seem to get
forget about where you're going
there are so many roads left

when you are forever longing
for greener grass and warmer bread
smile for tomorrow is still dawning
live every moment till your sun sets

:-)

shoebox

Jan 7, '09 5:41 AM

in every piece of paper lies
the bitter truth in every smile
a box full of love
that vanished in thin air.

the tears that smudged your hurting lines
i read it through a hundredth time
a familiar chill runs down my spine
it feels like you're right here

your smile revives the soul that died
salt my wounds then twist the knife
the pain makes me feel alive
i pray it never disappears

and all alone i tried to hide
this box that keeps me awake at night
filled with both our broken lives
and the lies we used to share

just in time to see the sun

Nov 21, '08 8:04 AM

too late,
tried to come back
but you're too late.
your breath stinks
of all the things you hate.
spit on me but the wind
blows it back to your eyes.

your eyes,
you try so hard
to close your eyes.
surround yourself with
these dark lies.
but thoughts of what you ruined
still shines so bright.

yes, the sun.
you came in time
just to see the sun.
rise above
the doubts of everyone.
does it burn you to know
that i've won this fight?

your life,
the downward spiral
you call your life.
singed by the reaching
rays of the sunlight.
you wish it was winter
but no, no, not tonight.

cause you came just in time
to see the sun rise at midnight.

atlantis

Nov 9, '08 12:46 AM

your shores are rougher than the seas

and what was once a lovely island

is now a sunken dream

and in your eyes i slowly search the reef

looking for clues of atlantis

the love you have hidden from me

and my futile attempts to retrieve

the one place we both could escape to

has taken the air out of me

and i fear reality overpowering the myth

ill age without finding atlantis

the love you have hidden from me

contagious

Nov 6, '08 7:52 AM

how can i ever pull you out

if my grip you doubt

you're slipping

you're looking down

you've already drowned.

how can you ever see the light

that the truth isn't always right

you're pulling me

closer to your side

tell me no more tonight

your gloom makes my skin crawl

you make everything stall

vicious you are

a contagious phenobarbital

you dull the colors on the walls.

how can you ever move on from here

if the losses you don't fear

blindly cutting ties

to the handful that used to care.

how long till you disappear?

hopes and fears

Nov 3, '08 2:18 AM

i tiptoed on the edge of a boulder

hoping id wake up

you gently tapped my shoulder

but it wasn't enough

woke up on the pavement

with pieces of glass in my eyes

is this entertainment?

why doesn't anybody cry?

the future glares at me

like a train coming fast

tied up on the railway with my heart in my pocket

salvation out of hand

i am filled with hopes and my fears

and questions unanswered

try to look behind the coats and the tears

there's a story waiting to be heard

when its all over will i see you 

walking in the tunnel with the light?

is it all over now that i see people

come and go waving goodbye..

always goodbye.

stars

Oct 27, '08 11:58 AM

photographs

of the memories of the past

takes me back,

way back

to when the stars

i could count.

laying on the grass

hours would pass

never enough

so you'd turn the hour glass

till the sun shone

all over town.

the way you smiled

took hours off the miles

we travelled

till our lives

got tired

and dishevelled

thought it was best

to let you down.

that look in your eyes

i should've glanced

one more time

before i said goodbye.

every time i miss you

i would wonder why

i feared

i'd let my dreams down.

i still wonder why

i miss you now.

you're as far from me

as all the stars i see

and memories of you,

as dazed as i seem to be,

are unlike the stars,

they never burn out.

paper cup

Oct 17, '08 1:37 AM

don't tell me I

would never rise.

disbelief is plastered

in your eyes.

i lose grip, i see you

drifting to the other side.

don't die down

i need you now.

come with me

lets taste the cloud.

let the river

take the dagger

and turn around.

light it up

and take a puff.

inhale till your

spirit's lifted up.

do it because our life's

contained in a paper cup.

take the crown,

stand your ground.

there's a million

of them now.

tear apart

their turbulent hearts

until they bow.

why?

Oct 7, '08 12:54 PM

what about love?

why do i crave?

why do i lose my mind

on things i will never find?

what about fate?

you chose to be late

or was it all in time

you really were never mine

do i still love?

why can't i hate?

why don't you look at me

take me out of my misery?

what about faith?

why do i wait?

when i know i will never see

the woman you said you'd be

move on

Oct 4, '08 9:07 PM

your gentle face, i cannot waste

the time i have, i need to know.

am i what you need? everyday i feed

on images of you pasted on my wall.

my sheets get colder

the night's much longer

maybe its best i moved on along.

are we much older?

take this off our shoulders

haven't we learned anything at all?

it flows and stops, takes me high then drops

me into the ocean of your dismay

don't save me now, just take a bow

and leave me here alone to decay.

the lows get lower

nowhere near sober

maybe its best i moved on alone.

if you were wiser

take me off your shoulders

haven't we learned anything at all?

why do i

Sep 27, '08 11:28 PM

walking on along

I'm a little stressed

writing you a song

about the bitterness

of letting go of a life

there's no end to this

can't look you in the eye

oh why do i regress

when will i stand strong

before the enemy

been holding on so long

i've an affinity

to letting people go

when will i ever try

to live up to what i know

oh why do i still lie

falling star

Sep 20, '08 2:05 AM

i hear you

again and again

i still don't understand.

slowly I

realize that all i

ever did was dread

now I'm sitting on the edge.

close your eyes

don't look down.

wipe your tears

just push me now.

i look down

make friends with gravity,

she's smiling now.

its 'bout time

don't you worry

i wont miss the ground,

go ahead and push me now.

i feel weightless

like a cloud.

you feel heartless

don't you now.

stars look up

making a wish

as i am falling down.

stars they feel

ive burned too long

my brightness has run out,

go ahead and push me now.

in a minute

ill be gone.

a million wishes

for everyone.

when i go

Sep 13, '08 10:09 PM

when i go

will u be

still the same

still with me?

will you long

for my hand?

will you hold,

can you stand?

when stars fall 

from the sky,

will u hide

when i die?

when i call

will you hear?

through the storm

loud and clear.

escape

Aug 28, '08 3:41 AM

tired of looking at myself

staring into the wishing well

i drowned there before.

haven't been to heaven

but sure have been to hell

then i woke up on the floor.

falling from my hand

my life's just like the sand

cant get it back no more.

trying to understand

when she said talk to the hand

then she showed me the door.

looking through anothers eyes

i see myself walking by

not knowing where to go.

watching other people fly

none of them stopping by

it was just like a TV show.

trying to runaway

but i am handcuffed to today

judge said its not my time to go.

i tried to escape

but they were waiting outside the gate

put a gun down my throat.

0 comments

live

Aug 22, '08 10:37 AM

when all of you is spent

and there's nothing left to hide

and tomorrow's just a dream

that the daylight takes away

when your heart is bent

and torn from both sides

they don't hear you scream

your just another lonely face

when the days are long

but not as long as the night

you almost stop believing

and all that's true is a lie

when all that's right become wrong

and the sparkle has left your eyes

then you stop dreaming

and start living your life.

shades of gray

Aug 17, '08 12:07 PM

don't know what to do

with all the time i got

don't know what to say

words are never enough

its hard to know but I'm hoping 

that the door is still open

time flies so fast

i catch myself in a blur

don't wanna realize I'm too late

don't wanna miss a turn

don't wanna agonize bout tomorrow

but we know the worlds changing

how do we know what's in the dark

if we don't step out of the light

how do you change this heart

when it just feels so right

i jumped off a cliff

and till now I'm still falling

don't know whats ahead

all i see are shades of gray

its dark all around

but i still see your face

just wanna get out of this haze

and feel the sun on me shining

don't miss out

Aug 9, '08 10:52 AM

Arose from an eventful sleep

Still hearing the sounds of fire trucks and sheep

Realized on my own

That it’s been too long, I should’ve known

I know that time wont wait

I had to write this before it’s too late

I just didn’t wanna miss out

On who you are and what you’re all about

All the sunsets on the beach

Just laying till the stars we reach

Getting wet when it rains

Be together till we walk with a cane

Maybe we need to be

in the future, just like in our dreams

I say this without a doubt

Now tell me would you wanna miss out?

if you

Aug 3, '08 2:29 PM

if you could read

between the lines

of why i cry

and why i smile,

why it rains

and why the sun shines

right after you say

i do.

if you could only

see my life

that not a moment

passes by,

that i don't think

i can even try,

not to think

of you.

if you could  only

realize

that I'm tired

of telling lies

and playing games,

pushing me away

from you.

if you could only

see my eyes

before it closes

every night

praying it will open

in the morning

seeing you.

take me away

Jul 25, '08 1:37 PM

I'm tired of all the phony compliments

in the end it makes no difference

we're all still alone and needing

I'm tired of this chaotic pace

wanna drift away to where dreams are made

your heartbeat the only thing ill be hearing

i wanna know how it feels

to touch your face, is this real?

you lift my spirits up high above the ceiling

i don't belong here anymore

take me away and close the door

to everything that made me stop believing

a different time, a different place

somewhere our love is safe

far from the world so deceiving

take my hand and don't let go

if you won't we'll never know

the answer behind the mysteries

of what we're feeling.

goodbye

Jul 18, '08 5:23 AM

is this the end

of the life we lived?

i don't see no road

out of here.

i see only one sign

i believe

and it points to one thing

that is clear.

that what we had

we don't have no more.

it gets harder

to see you each day.

and the flame that

used to burn before

slowly died out

along the way.

try to forget and

move on with this

but you know

that's not happening.

as my heart

overcomes my wits

i know its your heart

ill be breaking.

it hurts but

I'm not gonna lie.

I will never

be here to stay.

with all my heart

i apologise,

that there is no

easier way to say

goodbye.

wait

Jul 11, '08 12:42 PM

the ocean between us

so wide

when will the moon ever

change the tide

so far, so far

if only i could mail my heart

i need you now

so don't be late

if you could only be here

i would feel better than great

why now? why only now?

why hesitate?

but i once heard a wise man speak

don't rush when you still got food

on your plate

slow down, slow down

you'll find your way

i don't wanna reminisce forever but

don't give up they say

good things come to those

who wait

you'll see, you'll see

it will come when its free

i hope someday your face

ill see

i pray this feeling

will never leave me

never doubt, never fear

sometimes love just hits you like a spear.

3 am

Jun 10, '08 2:53 PM

The day is over

Darkness overcoming the light

The night sings to me a lonesome lullaby

Memories are monsters

And they eat me alive

This vicious cycle makes me wonder

If you were right

Just like cancer

Gradually consuming me inside

Exposing my weaknesses

There’s nothing left to hide

Afraid no longer

Of the dark and dismal sky

Its 3 am and I’m turning off the light

sometimes

Jun 3, '08 10:28 AM

Sometimes situations are so simple

Simple but we complicate

We try, at times,

Too hard to mingle

Try too hard to give away

Our hearts are tired and unpredictable

Each beat duller than yesterday

Try to cease but it’s too painful

Far too stale to make us stay

What happens if we hurl it out the window?

Would we get it back someday?

Is there anything larger than our ego?

Try to alter but it’s too late

No one promised us tomorrow

No one said everything would be ok

A little bit of joy,

A little bit of sorrow

Sometimes goodbye’s the only way

beautiful disaster

Apr 25, '08 10:32 AM

for one last time

i look at your smile

one more time i ask was it all worthwhile

all the anger

i told her

forever thought

we would always be we

old songs bring back

all these memories

of me holding her

though it only got colder

after all these years

looking back at the rear

asking myself

why haven't we made it till here

we we're soldiers

till the war was over

sooner or later

time will tell

if history will ever

repeat itself

i remember

the beautiful disaster

one night stand

Apr 10, '08 2:54 AM

somebody tell me that I'm wrong

and you're right

that we should forget about

what happened last night

somebody tell me that its true

that without you

i wouldn't have reached heaven

in just one flight

i know i'd be so untrue

if i told you

that i haven't imagined you and me

together one more time

woke up alone today

sorry smile on my face

wishing we had bargained

for more than just one night.

untitled

Mar 20, '08 1:22 AM

when it rains, it pours

and it hurts to the core

everytime i see you pour your heart out

onto the spit-shine floor.

look inot my eyes, they adore

but my heart it abhors,

the way i've turned into someone

i wasn't before.

why cant i be the same me

the same person since i was three?

happiness is as just as elusive

as a squirrel hiding in a tree.

what do i have to do to be free

to escape all this negativity?

change is just as constant

as the sun shining on me.

save me

Jul 25, '07 10:06 AM

Someone save me

I know this won’t be easy

Help me protect me

From myself

The silence that gets me

As darkness embrace me

Why does my heart have to be

Kept in a shelf

This hole that I’m digging

With my bare hands bleeding

Is a never ending

Cry for help

This hand that I’m holding

So uncomforting

Unfamiliar, I’m asking

Why I’m holding myself

Someone pull me

Out From everything that enslaves me

Erase from my memory

Don’t let me feel

I’m releasing

Everything I’ve been keeping

Better start believing

I want something real

Coz this feeling

Has lost all its meaning

I am not selling

My soul again

Your lies unending

Your eyes always pretending

Your soul is burning

In hell my friend

look at me now

Jun 7, '07 9:04 PM

Look at me now
Have I changed somehow?
Got a mind of my own I use
Still make old mistakes
But with a different excuse.
When you look at me now
Do you really know my face?
My smile, my laughter, my love
Gone without a trace.
But look a little closer now, I beg
Do you really think that is all that’s there?
Would you even dare comprehend
That what you see aint always what you get.
There’s another side of me
That you haven’t figured out yet.
Concentrate now, don’t fret.
Look at me now
I’ve been wanting you to know somehow.
Don’t believe everything you see
Question me now, it’s all free.
Don’t judge me by my immoralities
I am imperfect, but we all are,
Aren’t we?
Come inside my mind now,
tread carefully.
It must be clearer now,
do you see?
That aside from all my iniquities
I am just me.
I may or may not act accordingly
It’s just funny
how you are blinded
By other peoples mediocrity.
Now, look at me.

A time to Kill

May 29, '07 10:24 AM

I feel like I’m 13 again

The stupid choices I make

I’m losing much of my oxygen

Just so that you can take

The life out of what we had, and then

Tell me that it’s for my sake

I’m losing another argument

This time, this pact I have to break

The life of this isn’t going any further

I’ll turn it off and pull the plug

And glue my soul back together

Before the pieces are too small to pick up

This was never gonna last forever

I’m getting tired of staring at the clock

I’m not trying to act clever

You’re just running out of luck

Running out of reasons why i shouldn’t

Write about this tragedy

You know I could have but I didn’t

Let go of the rope hastily

So, I’ll kiss it one more time and pull the trigger

All it ever brought was sweet misery

I watch its remains flow down the river

It was time to kill the apathy.

inhaling the killer

May 23, '07 6:02 AM

On the tip of my fingers

I light up a pack full of anger

Notwithstanding the obvious danger

I inhale the killer

She looks so much harmless

As she slowly starts to harness

My feeble spirit, she leads it

To a bottomless and infinite hole

She controls all the roles

Of my unconscious multi-personal self

She’s commanding my being

And I lose any form of reasoning

The future I’m not seeing

As I stop believing in miracles

Feels so good, in the mood

As I stood one foot in my grave

No I cannot let go

My whole body and soul is dependent

on the feeling I get since the day we first met

a decade ago

and I know that someday she will go

and I will be left choking

as I wake in the morning

my pillow will still be reeking of her scent

I am wasting away and

I know she will not stay till tomorrow

I will light up another

Just to make me feel a little more secure

I inhale through my nose

There she goes doing it all over again

It’s a vicious cycle

I’m vulnerable when I feel her warmth

I sit and I ponder

And wonder what I will do without her

I’m in love with the killer

And in my chest she will always linger.

no one there

May 23, '07 6:01 AM

Why do we have a craving

For that elusive peace of mind

We may never find.

Is there really something

That may carry us above the waters of pain?

Are we all swimming in vain?

As we look into the eyes

Of everyone that pass us by, they never cry,

No matter how sad the times

We’re all deaf to the lies

Believing it’s alright, don’t you wonder why?

Please don’t deny

That we’re all just seeking

For that place called heaven on earth

Are we even worth?

But the truth is we’re all just sinking,

Alone deeper into the mud of our despair

Yes, there’s no one there

And as soon as we are drowning

We reach out our hand as we realize our fate

But it’s too late.

As our hearts stop beating

It becomes clear that you and me

Are just trying not to be

lonely.

Can’t you see?

That everything is just a facade.

When the curtain opens

There’s no one there

What’s left is just a memory

Of what used to be,

You and me.

surreal

May 23, '07 6:00 AM

Its like magic
Filling up my senses
Phrases turn into sentences
One thing leading to another
Not even a rocket scientist can explain this
Its euphoric
Like taking a potent shot through the vein
Driving both of us insane
Yes, reality is so mundane
Living in the pleasure of the moment
Not feeling any pain
Yet its so tragic
Because it has to end just like everything
Like saying goodbye to a beautiful earthling
Back to reality,
Something,
That when im with you, is a rarity
Coz its like im dreaming
Till you stop kissing.

de ja vu

May 23, '07 5:59 AM

when you see me on the streets its like deja vu
you think you know me but girl im not with you.
ya'll want me to be different but that aint cool
yeah i can be reverent but sometimes i act a fool.
everything about my past has been a long dark secret
but the time has come atlast, man i cant keep it.
when you'd get to know me you'd think im a monument erected
its gonna be hard to break me but if you could, girl thats an achievement
you know,everything about me is an understatement
kinda like good wine left in the basement
like you work your ass off but never got a raise, man.
i know by now you'd be scratchin' your head, man.
now, you think you know me? better think again, man.............

you don't know

May 23, '07 5:58 AM

you come up to me

like you know something

but when your mouth opens to speak

your words dont mean anything

don't talk to me

like you know everything

'coz the fact of the matter is

you know nothing

about me and how i think

you gotta stop acting

like you've read my autobiography

you better start digging

'coz this is just my physique

the surface don't mean nothing

i am deeper than me

and my words will keep your head spinning

starting to get dizzy?

yeah i knew this was coming

so you better be ready

you know i'll be waiting

and keep your heartbeat steady

'coz when you're in too deep

lady,

there's no escaping

holding on

Mar 10, '07 7:14 PM

Memories of you

What do I do?

When I find myself

Sitting under the street light

Memories of you

Memories of who?

I forget when I find myself

Walking in the sunshine

It has been a while

 I never changed my style

But Sometimes I find myself

Faking it on the outside

Yeah it has been a while

Still can’t forget your smile

Now I find myself

Drifting to the other side

Painting me a picture

Of a life much better

Still I find myself

Reminiscing the old times

Trying to write you a letter

Of how I’m so much happier

But I find myself

Writing gibberish like a child

Why does your memory stay?

In my mind like it’s a constant play

I hate it when I find myself

Wiping my eyes dry

I’m trying to go away

moving on to a different day

But still I find myself

Dreaming of my old life

Of how it used to be

When you were still with me

When will I ever find myself

Writing up a new rhyme?

Just wanted you to know

It’s hard but ill let it go

Coz I still find myself

Holding on to your lies.

inside

Nov 1, '06 3:54 AM

as the sun is fading

it gets dark around here

i'm always waiting

for something not clear

I'm so tired of hiding

my hopes and my fears

no, its not entertaining

the music i hear

the deafening silence

i hear so clear

outside I'm smiling

to hide the tears

inside I'm dying

to hold you, my dear

inside I'm trying

to get over you, my dear

I'm not through explaining

why you're there and i'm here

when my heart stops breaking

i'll run to you, my dear

just a few of my thoughts

Oct 31, '06 9:51 AM

now this is how i rhyme,

this is how this goes

when im not feelin fine

this is how i flow

now i got a couple of words

that i need to say

i know no one cares to listen

i'ma say it anyway

now as i said in the beginning

this is how this goes

when my problems high as the ceiling

this is how my feelings show

when things build up inside you

and you cant get it out

coz you got no one to run to

man, you gotta get it out

those feelings start to rot

yeah, they start to stink

after sometime and you cant throw it out

man, you start to think

can i keep this to myself forever?

can i go on alone?

im starting to doubt myself, i never

thought i'd ever need anyone

now im starting to miss

the line, "every things gonna be alright"

im starting to reminisce

the feeling of someone holding me tight

the feeling of someone holding my hand

when im feeling down

telling me this isnt the end

even if no one else is around

the feeling that someone accepts

you for who you are

and doesnt count what you lack

someone who helps you erase your scars

someone who would walk a million miles

just to be with you

and when you dream at night

you know shes dreamin of you too

i know this may be way too crazy

but thats how this is supposed to be

i cant tell it any other way

writing is how i get it tout of me..

feel me?

Oct 31, '06 9:33 AM

how do i start talkin about somethin thats been in my head for weeks?

somethin thats been in my head so long i cant bring myself to sleep

in front of the mirror i ask, how do i start talkin when i cant put into words what i feel?

i wake up and question im i still dreamin or is this real

sometimes i think i never wake up because i never even sleep at all

i close my eyes and a million thoughts keep me up i dont know who to call

its a sickening cycle and what the doctor prescribed isnt even helping

i barely open my mouth to speak but my mind is screaming

im starting to question myself, is this just loneliness or is this insanity?

theres a fine line between the two and i dont know whats affecting me

in a city full of people, i still feel so alone its ironic

i want some attention but all i got is solitude and a vodka tonic

i could write on and on till i ran out of ink and paper

i could even carve this on wood and stone but it wouldnt even matter

too many questions but no one to tell me the answer

i know life aint that hard but who said it would be easy either?