Depressed in the “Land of Smiles” on Christmas
seems to be an incompatible sentence. Some sort of conflict of subject and
predicate maybe or whatever, and yet I will admit the veracity of the
statement. Please excuse me guys, but I have to be true to myself, which means
that when I write about my victories and happy times I also have to balance my
blog with the times that I am in the pits, which is not very often.
To describe the feeling would take a whole page from the
psychiatry textbook, and I would omit the rest except to point out the heavy
feeling in the chest area with a slight labor in breathing plus the unconscious
act of staring into nothing for some time, with the mind almost in blank mode
or running through sad replays of the past days.
I would admit that I am a man with an inner resolve of steel
and velvet, meaning that I have the ability to stand up to any psychological or
physical challenge at one moment and yet shed a tear when confronted with
emotion. This time it is the absence of both, which only complicates the
problem. I simply don’t know from what angle to attack the unseen enemy.
I have ruled out andropause because I know that my
testosterone is still at its high, which is why my hair follicles couldn’t hang
on. It also is not a financial slump because I am still eating three meals a
day and I know that the Lord will supply my family’s needs even through
eternity. It’s not about worrying what may happen in the future because I trust
that my God has it all planned for me.
Maybe it is impotence. I’m not talking about erection
dysfunction if that is what’s in your jaundiced minds. That thing was never a
problem in the far or recent past. It could be something about the Christmas
season and the fact that I am not in the position to make a really meaningful
and exciting Christmas for my family like I used to. Maybe it’s the place,
where I am surrounded by pagans who can’t even sing jingle bells or peeve me
with repeated caroling at night. Maybe it’s the fact that I was recently robbed
and deprived of the means to spend for a lavish Noche Buena and to buy gifts
for loved ones.
Depression, what an eerie feeling, and I pray that God will
teach me to get rid of it. As the days move closer to the 25th please
join me in prayer for my swift recovery.
Yes, Christmas should be in the heart, and I could add that
it is also in a heavy heart.
Merry Christmas to all! [sigh]
we're not naman expecting anything. dont be too hard on yourself.
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